A lot of people ask me, stupid fuckin' questions A lot of people think that, what I say on record Or what I talk about on a record That I actually do in real life or that I believe in it Or if I say that I wanna kill somebody That I'm actually gonna do it or that I believe in it Well, shit, if you believe that, then I'll kill you You know why? 'Cause I'm a criminal! Criminal! You goddamn right I'm a criminal! Yeah, I'm a criminal! My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge That'll stab you in the head, whether you're a fag or les' Or a homosex, hermaph or a trans-a-vest Pants or dress, hate fags? The answer's yes Homophobic? Nah, you're just heterophobic Staring at my jeans, watching my genitals bulgin' That's my motherfuckin' balls, you'd better let go of 'em They belong in my scrotum, you'll never get hold of 'em! "Hey, it's me, Versace! Whoops, somebody shot me! And I was just checkin' the mail Get it? Checkin' the male?" How many records you expecting to sell After your second LP sends you directly to jail? Come on, relax, guy! I like gay men Right, Ken? Give me an amen! (A-men!) "Please Lord, this boy needs Jesus Heal this child, help us destroy these demons Oh, and please send me a brand new car And a prostitute while my wife's sick in the hospital" Preacher, preacher! Fifth grade teacher! You can't reach me, my mom can't neither You can't teach me a goddamn thing ‘cause I watch TV and Comcast cable And you ain't able to stop these thoughts You can't stop me from toppin' these charts And you can't stop me from droppin' each March With a brand new CD for these fuckin' retards ("duhh") And to think, it's just lil' old me Mr. Don't-Give-a-Fuck still won't leave I'm a criminal! 'Cause every time I write a rhyme These people think it's a crime To tell 'em what's on my mind I guess I'm a criminal! I don't gotta say a word I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin' I don't take shit from no one I'm a criminal! 'Cause every time I write a rhyme These people think it's a crime To tell 'em what's on my mind I guess I'm a criminal! I don't gotta say a word I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin' I don't take shit from no one The mother did drugs, hard liquor, cigarettes and speed The baby came out, disfigured ligaments, indeed It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she Don't dare make fun of that baby, 'cause that baby was me I'm a criminal, an animal caged who turned crazed But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised? So as I got older and I got a lot taller My dick shrunk smaller, but my balls got larger I drink malt liquor to fuck you up quicker Than you'd wanna fuck me up for sayin' the word ****** My morals went (pffft) when the president got oral Sex in his Oval Office on top of his desk off of his own employee Now, don't ignore me, you won't avoid me You can't miss me: I'm white, blonde-haired, and my nose is pointy I'm the bad guy who makes fun of people that die In plane crashes and laughs as long as it ain't happened to him Slim Shady, I'm as crazy as Eminem and Kim combined "The Maniac's in" in place of the Doctor 'Cause Dre couldn't make it today He's a little under the weather, so I'm takin' his place Oh, that's Dre with an AK to his face Don't make me kill him too and spray his brains all over the place I told you, Dre, you should've kept that thang put away I guess that'll teach you not to let me play with it, eh? I'm a criminal! Alright look, just go up in that motherfucker Get the motherfucking money and get the fuck up outta there Alright I’ll be right here waiting on you Alright Yo, Em What?! Don't kill nobody this time Awwright, goddamn, this motherfucker gets on my fuckin' nerves! Hi, how can I help you? How you doin'? Yeah, I need to make a withdrawal Okay Put the fucking money in the bag, bitch, and I won’t kill you! What? Oh my God, don’t kill me! I’m not gonna kill you, bitch, quit looking around Don’t kill me, I've got two kids at home don't kill me! I said I’m not gonna fucking kill you Don't kill me! Hurry the fuck up! Thank you! (Go, go, go!) Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it So I'll be disguised in it And if anybody identifies the guy in it, I hide for five minutes Come back, shoot the eyewitness Fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business Die bitches, bastards, brats, pets This puppy's lucky I didn't blast his ass yet If I ever gave a fuck, I'd shave my nuts Tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck You motherfuckin' chickens ain't brave enough To say the stuff I say, so just tape it shut Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up To make you mad, so kiss my white naked ass And if it's not a rapper that I make it as I'ma be a fuckin' rapist in a Jason mask I'm a criminal! 'Cause every time I write a rhyme These people think it's a crime To tell 'em what's on my mind I guess I'm a criminal! I don't gotta say a word I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin' I don't take shit from no one I'm a criminal! 'Cause every time I write a rhyme These people think it's a crime To tell 'em what's on my mind I guess I'm a criminal! I don't gotta say a word I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin' I don't take shit from no one I'm a criminal! 'Cause every time I write a rhyme These people think it's a crime To tell 'em what's on my mind I guess I'm a criminal! I don't gotta say a word I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin' I don't take shit from no one I'm a criminal! 'Cause every time I write a rhyme These people think it's a crime To tell 'em what's on my mind I guess I'm a criminal! I don't gotta say a word I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin' I don't take shit from no one (I am) A criminal!