A fine romance, with no kisses A fine romance, my friend this is We should be like a couple of hot tomatoes But you're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes A fine romance, you won't nestle A fine romance, you won't wrestle I might as well play bridge With my old maid aunt I haven't got a chance This is a fine romance A fine romance, with no kisses A fine romance, my friend this is We two should be like clams in a dish of chowder But we just fizz like parts of a Seidlitz powder (*) Yes, a fine romance, with no glitches A fine romance, with no bitches You're just as hard to land as the 'Isle de France' I haven't got a chance This is a fine romance A fine romance, my good fellow You take romance, and I'll take jello You're calmer than the seals In the Arctic Ocean At least they flap their fins To express emotion A fine romance with no quarrels With no insults and all morals I've never mussed the crease In your blue serge pants I never get the chance This is a fine romance Yes, a fine romance, my dear, duchess Two old fogeys, who need crutches True love should have the thrills that a healthy crime has But we don't have the thrills that the march of time has, ba-ba-da-day A fine romance, my good woman My strong, age in the wood, woman You never give the orchids I sent a glance No, you like cactus plants, ha ha This is a fine romance A fine romance, my dear duchess Two old fogeys, who need crutches True love should have the thrills that a healthy crime has You know Louis, we don't have half the thrills that the march of time has, You telling me; fine romance, my very good woman My strong, aged in the wood, woman You never give the orchids I sent a glance No I prefer Cactus plants This is a fine romance!